hopelessness

I just really want to never exist again.

I want to stop being, feeling, caring, thinking.

Everything is pain. Every single thing. Even beauty, the lack of, missing, void, empty, seen but unheard. Felt but unwanted.

Rain of sorrow. Drowning.

forever going nowhere

visible light so far away, I'll never reach it and I've given up on trying

you are gone

wishfully happy, smiling

blinded by never-ending darkness

it doesn't matter

Political Porn [The Poor Reichs podcast]

 Chat #9 time stamps in video description

Politics, Poverty, & PTSD

Chat #8 which took place directly after our previous one. Lots more thoughts on depression, suicidal thoughts, being poor, abused as a child, politics, creativity, employment and more. Full details with time stamps in video description.

 

Chill, Interrupted

 Chat #7 discussing my sister's amazing talents and website, networking, my passion for video games and Twitch streaming, gender (pt. 2) and lots more. Full details below.

- how much time we spend watching youtube content

- reading feedback from a new listener

- my sister's website

- trying to earn income from third-party websites

- "nothing new under the sun"

- my sister's editing skills and writing experience

- "professionalism" and prospective employers

- stand-up comedy and constructive criticism

- my sister's exceptional talents beyond writing

- wanting to offer supporters and friends "thank you" rewards

- "networking" and its awkwardness (37-ish mins in)

- my deep passion for video games and my sister reminding me that it wasn't specifically related to Twitch itself which helped the birth of my podcast The Grateful Gamer

- creating content for yourself compared to creating it for an audience

===============================================

At this point we could have ended the episode and just had a chill conversation of fun-ness but then my sister insisted on continuing. haha

===============================================

- vulnerability hangovers

- integrity, idealism and success

- gender discussion part 2 (if I remember right, this conversation may continue up to at least four different parts in different episodes. Episode 5 for part 1. In a future discussion I did learn to try and express myself differently.)

- physical appearance and "I don't see color"

- the different ages we became aware of racism

** Note: we have recorded many chats and so far have decided to upload one per week. So, all of these conversations are very old to us as we upload for now.

Free Coloring Pages: http://crystalcharee.com/coloring-pages/

We're also on Spotify and other platforms: https://anchor.fm/thepoorreichs

Downloadable at https://thepoorreichs.life/podcast/

The Poor Reichs Ep 5: Discussing Gender (Pt. 1), Human Rights & Twitch Frustrations

An awkward, hard, and raw honest first recording of one of the discussions me and my sister have had around gender. Future episodes continue our discussion on this specific topic. 

Also discussed: childhood memories, sensitivity, femininity, forced diversity in television, dysphoria, addiction, rejection, historical heroes, bull**** education, racism, and live streaming mentality. 

Note: two things had me a tiny bit scared uploading this video. One, I have zero intention of offending anybody over my thoughts about gender but I'm still learning how to express myself properly so I expect that I will. Two, I don't want to come off as ungrateful to my stream audiences cuz I am incredibly grateful. (Further discussion on this as well in future episodes.) 

This discussion actually got me more enthusiastic about my gaming podcast. My sister pointing out my specific passion being video games, not Twitch itself. We also discuss this a little bit more in a future episode as well. - Germ

The Poor Reichs Podcast Episode 4

Hi, I forgot I made a real life blog as I don't tend to go out of my way to talk about it. Recently, me and my sister started a podcast. I've had many requests over the years to start a podcast and I struggled with it cuz I wasn't sure what to do and how to do it. 

Me and my sister would normally chat two to four times in a year. This podcast gives us a reason to talk more often and it's great. This is unscripted, just chatting as we normally do.

The Poor Reichs episode 4 is up

In this podcast we discuss the following:

Cooking habits. fancy restaurants vs normal ones, brief discussion about handling monthly bills, and the main event: our brother's death and how we ended up in foster care. 

Also included in-between, spiritual and religious views (a little more than previous episode), the differences between our relationships with our mom, face blindness, me being a nonconformist while my sister is a conformist, and punishments not matching the crime.

The next two episodes are even more intense and no it's not on purpose, this is just what we tend to talk about when we talk.

Ender's Game: Why You Should Read It

     So, since there's a movie coming out based on the book I got in the mood to read it again. It had been maybe a year or a little bit longer since I first read it. I'll never forget that I practically cried through the entire book my first time reading it. The second time I was a bit more prepared for it. I knew what was going on and all that but there were still many tear-jerking moments, especially at the end. 

     Of course I don't expect everybody to have the same reaction to the book I did. Right from the start I found it to be driven by truly powerful emotion, deep but also easy to read. I found very few slow boring parts in the book. And it wasn't that those parts were exactly boring, just sometimes too much description of unnecessary scenes in books drive me a bit crazy, especially when it's right at a good part, and almost every part in this book was good.

     Just like the first time I read the book I pretty much couldn't put it down the second time. But that was also thanks to my computer crashing out and taking sixteen to eighteen hours of recovery. lol Anyways, the story we follow is of Ender who starts out as a six-year-old and by the end of the main story is eleven. There's a little bit of extra story that takes him into older years but it's for some really good closure and I imagine the book would have been fine without it, but I am certainly happy we got that final closure, it's beautiful.

     Ender gets bullied constantly throughout the story but that's not to say the story is about him being bullied, it's not. In this world children are trained to fight off aliens, I'm keeping it simple ok?  Ender is special, he scores better than all the other kids as part of the initial test to even see if they want to train these kids to become leaders of their military. You know early on that the people training him expect him to be the savior. So they train him harder than the others and keep him isolated. He isn't allowed friends and when he thinks he's finally made some he is taken away from them, moved to another group every single time. It's pretty heart-breaking. He is emotionally tortured in order to become the savior of mankind, it's nuts. He's forced into violence to defend himself and all he wants is to love and be loved. He is the most lonesome hero.

     It's one of the most beautiful stories I've read. I love the book so much that I implore you to at least read the first chapter. It would be easy because it's short. If that doesn't suck you in and you're not interested then that's fine, but if you haven't read this you need to give it a look.

     It is impossible to put what's in this book into a movie but I can't wait to see it. It looks pretty incredible. And if you've looked at the movie trailers and seen some comments you might have seen people talking about Enders age in the film. I find it easy to understand. I think it would probably be hard for them to get a bunch of six to eight-year-olds to film up some pretty intense parts and just showing these things happen to such young children, it's freakin traumatic. 

     The entire story is really beautiful. The ending is predictable but unexpected at the same time and the epilogue is shocking and amazing. Ender is a true hero, you get to know everything about him and how he becomes who he is, how he breaks yet never loses his true self. When it comes to books, while The Dark Tower is my soul, Ender's Game is my heart.

     Below, I'm going to post the description from the back of the book and some of my favorite excerpts, some with a brief description or my opinion on it. Warning, in my opinion some of these excerpts are spoilers, but also in my opinion each of them should be enough to make you want to read it. 

Description:

Once again, Earth is under attack. An alien species is poised for a final assault. The survival of humanity depends on a military genius who can defeat the aliens. But Who?
Ender Wiggin. Brilliant. Ruthless. Cunning. A tactical and strategic master. And a child.

Recruited for military training by the world government, Ender's childhood ends the moment he enters his new home: Battle School. Among the elite recruits Ender proves himself to be a  genius among geniuses. In simulated war games he excels. But is the pressure and loneliness taking its toll on Ender? Simulations are one thing. How will Ender perform in real combat conditions? After all, Battle School is just a game.

Right?

Excerpts:

~ Thank you for this, Peter. For dry eyes and silent weeping. You taught me how to hide anything i felt. More than ever, I need that now. ~~
Peter is Enders brother who also bullied him.


~ "But that's what I came for," Ender said. "For them to make me into a tool. To save the world." ~~
I can't say much on that without spoiling stuff to explain it. I thought it was pretty key tho and shows a lot of character.


~ I'm hurting people again, just to save myself. Why don't they leave me alone, so i don't have to hurt them? ~~
Repeatedly bullied by jealous kids. He doesn't want to hurt them.

~ And then a worse fear, that he was a killer, only better at it than Peter ever was; that it was this very trait that pleased the teachers.

~ When he was first taken, Father and Mother sat at the table and keyed in long letters to him every few days. Soon, though, it was once a week, and when no answers came, once a month. Now it had been two years since he went, and there was no letters, none at all, and no remembrance on his birthday. He is dead, she thought bitterly, because we have forgotten him. ~~
Enders sister's thoughts on his birthday. The military does not let the letters go through so there's no communication. Ender is to be isolated, they are forcing him to be alone.

~ And Ender realized that in their laughter, in their friendship, it had not occurred to them he could have been included. ~~
Friends he had made but now leads. They no longer see him as able to join in on the fun and jokes. It's not because he leads, it's because of what he has become, what was made of him.

~ Ender Wiggin crying? That was disturbing. Something terrible was going on. The best soldier in any army, lying on his bunk crying. The silence in the room was deep.

~ Ender despised them--but secretly, so secretly that he didn't even know it himself, he feared them.

~ He thought of a half dozen ideas before he went to sleep. Ender would be pleased--every one of them was stupid. ~~
This was just really funny. Ender had asked a kid to come up with ideas he would never think of himself. He's a smart kid but Ender wanted something different, unusual.

~ He was a soldier, and if anyone had asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he wouldn't have known what they meant. ~~
Key words there, not just that he wouldn't know, that he wouldn't know what they meant.

~ "Ender Wiggin isn't a killer. He just wins--thoroughly. If anybody's going to be scared, let it be the buggers."
"Makes you almost feel sorry for them, knowing Ender's going to be coming after them." ~~
This is in reference to the aliens, the "buggers." The underlined is key to how Ender reacts to his bullies and that kind of situation.

~ Ender didn't wave when she walked down the hill toward him, didn't smile when she stepped onto the floating boat slip. But she knew that he was glad to see her, knew it because of the way his eyes never left her face. ~~
Ender and his sister Valentine's brief reunion. I love her name. =)

~ "I also remembered that you were beautiful."
"Memory does play tricks on us."
"No. Your face is the same, but I don't remember what beautiful means anymore." ~~
At Ender and Valentines reunion.

~ "I was afraid that I'd still love you."
"I hoped that you would."
"My fear, your wish--both granted." ~~
Ender and Valentines reunion, Enders fear.

~ She joked, but it frightened her, that Ender might understand her as completely as he did his enemies.

~ You don't understand," he said.
"Yes I do."
"No you don't. I don't want to beat Peter."
"Then what do you want?"
"I want him to love me." ~~
Peter was an absolutely evil horrible brother to him.

~ It was as if someone rode him in his sleep, forcing him to wander through his worst memories, to live in them again as if they were real. Nights were so real that days began to seem dreamlike to him.

~ All dreams. If there was love or pity for him, it was only in his dreams.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Leave me feedback! =) Thanks for reading!