The first time I tried to vote was when I was eighteen-years-old. It only took a few moments of browsing through the options of "proposition" this and that and everything else to see how much bullcrap it all is. I actually spent at least an hour trying to figure out why none of it made any sense.
I remember talking to my mom and sister about it, asking why everything we had as a choice was pure crap. My sister thought the same thing. I don't remember exactly how my mom reacted, only that she wasn't surprised and it seemed like she already knew. We never really discussed politics that I can remember; my memory does suck, though. I think she might have avoided it cuz voting is pointless. I remember her being anti-government but never really going into it. My sister would probably remember better than I.
Back then, looking through the book of options I saw that for every one good thing you vote for, at least ten bad things are linked to it. That was when I was eighteen. It's even worse now. I gave up then and there. I looked again in my thirties, I don't remember exactly why, something musta sucked. And again, was immediately turned away from voting cuz it's a buncha nonsense.
Then Trump happened. One of the stupidest things I've seen in my lifetime. Not only was this dumb motherfucker even considered as a candidate in the first place but people actually supported/support him. He's literally a parody of Hitler when it comes to presentation and very often speech. Somehow people don't see it. /shrug Seeing that, it's easy to understand why the country I was born in is such a hellish terrorist nightmare. People can't even see that we are nazis.
So, with Trump as president, I had to try again, right? I dove into everything, too deep and I barely scratched the surface. I sought solutions. Who do I vote for? I lost my mind. I've been depressed my whole life but I had never experienced such a thing as this before. I was literally consumed by rage for all of 2020 and a bit into 2021. I knew it and I couldn't stop it. How could I? This is madness. It's right in our face and people still look through it as if it isn't real.
If you never allow yourself to look deeper (which I fully understand), the truth of our situation, our government, our society, is more horrifying than any of us could possibly imagine. It's always been talked about, I would think something along the lines of, "Yeah, this is all terrible" but I never really saw the big picture. It is all a lie.
That truth is scary. It's not something easily grasped because it's pure evil. I wouldn't want to believe it. How could it possibly be worse than I already thought it was? It never ever stops getting worse. What drives me more crazy is that people look right through the truth when it's staring them right in their face. I kind of understand the denial, it's hard, though.
Know this, probably every "conspiracy theory" that exists is very likely true. I haven't gone as deep as I was planning to. I had to stop. I had to.
Our government is our enemy. The police, military, and "News" are tools of destruction and control. The deep truth is not easy to accept but we cannot go on like this.
I am grateful for the friends I've had in my life. The wonderful people who paid for my meals, movies, clubs, everything. So many people in my life have been generous. I'm grateful for that.
I'm grateful for having been able to play video games a lot. The experience of that for most of my life has been pretty cool and interesting.
I'm grateful for knowing "God" and I'd certainly still like to know more.
I'm grateful for having had discussions that opened my mind more and taught me how to express myself differently.
I'm grateful for my mom for being the very best mother she could be while also being totally screwed up. Her love was infinite and always obvious to me even when I was angry with her.
I'm grateful for my sister who has been my best friend my entire life even when we were angry with each other.
I'm grateful for my brother even though I barely know him. It's weird and wonderful to feel so much love for someone I barely had time with.
I'm grateful to all the horrible people for making me hate this world so much. Without them, I wouldn't be as "strong" as I am. I'm grateful they make it so easy to not care about living.
Maybe I started being sarcastic. Maybe.
It's a beautiful world out there. Tainted by society. I'm grateful that I have seen, witnessed, and could recognize the beauty within all the horror.
It's one of those days again. Me and my sister are hoping to move soon. It's been pretty crazy. My sister happened to have some money saved up from unemployment and it ended up being enough to where we could think about moving again. This time we ended up getting a loan and putting an offer on a home that was accepted.
That was something we never expected to even be possible. We had heard of it before but it just didn't make any sense at all. We've barely been able to afford our current bills for so long. A lifetime really.
So things are kinda good. Kinda. Looking good I guess. I've wanted to get out of California since I was fourteen. It's a nice place and all. I mostly hate the weather but I've also just never felt comfortable here. Not ever. Well, that I can really remember anyways. I've had good friends and good times but I've never been happy.
I don't blame California for my lack of happiness. Living in the city is not something I enjoy. It's convenient but to me what seems at great cost: kindness, empathy, and a buncha words I imagine that I don't know. I've never felt at home here. Like I don't belong. I'd bet I'd feel that way anywhere on this planet.
Anyways, I didn't expect to write all that. Thought I'd just catch you up to a little bit of what's going on. Cuz while the paperwork seems to be going well and smooth with this home purchase, I just keep anticipating what's gonna fuck it all up.
Today is just another day where all I wanna do is die. I don't know how to make it stop. I never do. Every second keeps on passing until maybe a day or a week or a month goes by before there's some kind of random break. When the switch turns off and I can breathe and feel "normal" for a few seconds and have some decent thoughts that aren't armageddon.
I cry a lot now. It's weird. Almost every single day. Today's been a bad one. It's been many months now where I cry at least once a day for two to five minutes. Tears pouring out heavy. No specific reason. Everything just sucks. This world sucks. I haven't cried as much as I have today though so far. It's weird.
I have a tiny bit of hope that if and once we get out of this nightmare living situation and live somewhere I'm not constantly worried about next month's bills that maybe I can finally relax and maybe possibly enjoy existing. Maybe.
I forgot how hard it can be to talk to people about God. And before I get into more of that, let me give a more general idea of what I mean. I mean spirituality, generally. I think of God as "God" because that's the name I know God by. I'm perfectly okay with different beliefs and different religions.
I think if people wanted to be more honest about spirituality, they would be far more open to the different experiences we each have in relation to how we come to know God. It does not make sense to me that people choose to be so closed-minded to other beliefs. At the same time, I understand that some of the "teachings" we receive will tell that "our god is the true god" and such. My problem with that is that it shouldn't block us from knowing other stories and understanding them. It shouldn't block us from finding the common ground between religions because it's obvious there is much of it.
I think this is the biggest issue with organized religion. I had mentioned this in a previous post about "Blaming God," that I can understand God being jealous (or angry) of people creating their own nonsense to worship. That makes sense to me. But I think people get the wrong idea about that idea of God being a jealous god. It seems to me that people don't realize this is specific to the creations of our own.
I can't help but believe and want to believe that there is so much more to God than just being a single entity. For example, even in the Christian words, God is a "holy trinity," the father, the son, and the holy ghost. I love that. I think it's cool and I never really understood it when I was younger. I struggled with understanding why or how one person could be three different things in the sense of this being both the father and the son. That is a bit odd but spiritually I think I understand it and I like it.
I had forgotten why I even started writing this. Years ago, I had my first discovery in a sense of what it was like to argue with people that simply not only don't want to understand your point of view but flat out refuse to. I'm not innocent of this. We're all stubborn in certain ways and thoughts. We know what we know and once we know it, it's hard to learn differently. Mostly because if you're like me, you need to see to believe. I think most of us are like that but we learn to become that way after having been through the process of believing what we were told and finding out we were lied to or mislead.
Betrayal is hard to deal with. There's a lot of pain inflicted. It's an emotional mind fuck. Not just on a personal level with who you believed, but the realization that so much of what you knew or thought for your whole life was a lie. There are plenty of things we can recognize as lies and bullshit. It's the truest deception that is most painful when revealed. And it's hard to let go of and get past, usually feeling impossible. There are certain things that only time can heal. And the horrible thing is that time can be incredibly long, it can take literally decades.
So, trying to talk about God with people is really hard. I mean non-believers specifically. And that is exactly who I want to talk to about spirituality. Not because I want to convince them, but because I find it really hard to understand the outright refusal and not wanting to know a wonderful thing. Another thing I had mentioned in my previous post about "Blaming God" is that I know for a fact that God exists. What I don't know is how exactly God works and how many there might actually be. I like to believe there are multiple gods with one supreme or whatever. I have what I think of as a sensible understanding of that.
I'm a fan of Greek mythology and the gods that represent different emotions and feelings. I like to think of it as all of them combined form into the ultimate God or whatever. Like Voltron, I guess, as well as the holy trinity.
So, generally speaking, I have no issue at all with different religions. It is possible that with certain organized religions, there would be a point where I would think it's ridiculous. Much like any organized group or system of any kind. That's how you get into cults and such as well. Manipulation by evil is when things get messy. Manipulation and evil should not convince people that something isn't real just because it has bad representation, but that is exactly what happens. Instead of recognizing manipulation for what it is, people will blame the target of that manipulation, organized religion is the biggest example I can think of.
Something a lot of people seem to forget, even Christians, is that part of the teachings is that we are the church. We as individuals carry the spirit of God with us if we choose to and if we choose to represent it properly. We do not need to be organized for God or gods to exist. Whether we gather or not, we didn't create god. This seems like such a stupid thing to have to say and maybe it's cuz I'm uneducated and don't know how to properly say it. I don't know how to say it better than that.
Plenty of non-believers would immediately insist, "of course God is man's creation. We made it up." But that's just nonsense to me. It's as nonsensical as the Big Bang Theory in which rocks collided in space and accidentally created life. Talk about made up. Holy crap how can anyone believe that? I remember one day I had thought, "well if I sweep up these dust balls and the dust balls collide they could make a living universe!" as a joke.
I can't help but believe that if so many religious types of people weren't complete assholes and judgmental pieces of crap that it would be easier to understand their points of view. This is another thing I am not innocent of. When it comes to spirituality, I'm not super quick to jump the gun of judging others. Things I tend to "judge" are just flat out stupidity and such. For example: racism and sexism. These are completely stupid to me and I do judge people for it. And of course, that's from my own perspective so I'm not always going to be right. Duh. I love learning.
So, the problem with learning... I don't remember when I first realized this, it might have been in my mid or late thirties, that even as we are educated from a very young age, we are taught in a way that is meant to close our minds to outside thought processes. We are taught that what we know will be right at all times. From my perspective, we grow up this way and because of how we are educated, no matter what we think about, it has to be "right." I don't know if the actual intention was to close our minds. We do learn certain systems that we can agree on and understand. The way we learn it means that anything else will automatically be wrong.
That's one thing I always think is funny and interesting about scientific theory specifically. Math seems pretty straight forward. We as a society don't constantly come up with new ways of how 2+2=4 or whatever. But science is a constant learning experience. That's why so many things in science and even medicine are referred to as "theory." But, as mentioned, the way we're educated ends up making people insist that these theories are fact even though they're constantly being updated and evolving because the "mysteries" of life are quite amazing.
So, one of the hardest things that I think we go through is struggling with the need to be "right." We may not even realize it, you know?
The main reason I started writing this is because I want to talk about God more. I want to and know I can find common ground with agnostics specifically. Atheists are insanely stubborn and I get that cuz I'm also stubborn. It's really hard to talk about God because of what organized religion has done. It's not all horrible but it seems like most of it is. It sucks. I had more thoughts that I wanted to write and more reasons as to why I wanted to write this but my beer buzz is super kicking in now. Maybe I'll come back and write a thing about why and how I became an alcoholic in 2020. I think that'd be obvious but I could share my own personal bullshit and all that ya know.
I'm sorry to end this now. It's kind of abrupt and I know there's so much more in relation to all the things I said here but I have to stop. My brain is mostly dead atm which I like and don't like.
I love God and I wish the world wasn't so shitty and stupid.
I understand and believe in the saying, "Let go and let God." However, I do not believe it is the equivalent of excusing the evil deeds people literally choose to perform that some people seem to take it as.
Just because God is loving, kind, and giving does not mean people can just act like idiots and psycopaths. People like to blame God all the time for the evil in our world when it is literally people doing these things.
What really gets to me is atheists who pull this crap as well. "If God existed, bad things wouldn't happen." This makes zero sense at all. So instead of putting the blame on people where it belongs, they'd rather deny a powerful being of creation and think we're just an accident while also believing we have a purpose at the same time? It's a load of nonsense.
People are evil. We are demons that infest this planet. We inherited this paradise and ruin it on a daily basis. But oh, no, "God wouldn't let bad things happen." I don't understand the full "test" of this world. It has made me lose my mind. But I do believe we are constantly tested. I could never blame God for wiping us out. We destroy the planet we live on as well as each other and for some currency we invented. It always comes down to that, money. Greed. The human "power" that comes with that.
The worst part of it is that it's all done by choice. People choose to be this way. But sure, blame God for people choosing to be pieces of shit. That makes sense. (sarcasm)
Something I find interesting is that I can understand people being hypocrites. With evil in power of this society, it's a hard world to live in. Not everybody sees that. I think that's both lucky and unfortunate for them. Ignorance may be bliss but it is also stupidity. The environment/s we grow up and live in is also a huge impact on how we view life in general.
As far as I can tell and have learned, the "western world" is the biggest problem when it comes to ignorance. Unawareness to the truth of all things because we are constantly lied to. I'm sometimes reminded that this planet is the "devil's playground." I've heard it a ton through my life but I never truly understood it until 2020. Evil has always been around... I remember through all of 2020 I kept thinking, "if this doesn't open people's eyes, nothing will." And here we are, a lot of people still insisting and choosing to be ignorant with the truth right in their face.
I had been hopeless before in my life, not as completely as I am now. There's this weird natural part of me that can't help but believe and know people can be better. It feels impossible for americans. I've seen people around the world, how they speak, how they wish for peace and love for everyone including americans as our government literally invades, steals, bombs their countries and destroys their families' lives.
Strength in the faith of God is an amazing thing. It's not the same for everyone and I think that's actually cool. Most believers or knowers have met God in different ways. I imagine none of us meet God the same way. I also feel bad for anybody that hasn't yet or did but didn't realize it. This world can be tricky that way especially when there is so much deception and hypocrisy.
One of the biggest problems I've seen with people who struggle with belief or faith is that so many people claim to be religious who certainly don't actually act or think in a religious way. It's weird to me that so many american Christians pass judgement so easily. At the same time, I get it, I pass normal human being judgement all the time. If I think something is stupid, I judge it stupid, you know? The problem is the representation for those religions is often bad here in america. So many american Christians constantly express hateful and racist messages. Not all, of course. But it certainly is a huge reason why there is so much backlash.
For me, I know God exists. I couldn't possibly deny it. I've seen so much, heard so much, have lived with and experienced God in a very real way. I am not worthy of this but I'm also grateful. I feel it's incredibly fortunate. It's also sad because I still struggle with many things as well. I don't know the word of God well enough. I've read lots of stories in the past but not actively or daily. I'm trying to get back into it.
I'm also open to other religions. *gasp* From what I have seen, most religions try to teach very common things, love for one another being the biggest. I currently choose to believe that all the different religions refer to the same thing, whether they know it or believe it or not. I could be super wrong. I'm also open to that. I understand the whole "God is a jealous God" kinda thing. I get it, I think. I'd understand God being upset that people worship evil instead because they simply choose to.
A lot of american Christians seem to forget a lot of very basic things. For example, they believe "leaders" are assigned and such. Which is fine and all I guess, but they treat someone like Donald Trump as a messiah rather than recognizing his evil. And pretty much the evil of every president the US has ever had in my lifetime. They seem to forget that just because someone is in a position of power does not mean that they are not evil. Like duh? But no, they seem to forget that part.
I recently started reading Isaiah. It was one of many books recommended to me to get back into. God uses evil to crush evil before then crushing that evil. So just because God uses an evil leader to crush another evil does not mean he doesn't also crush the evil he used. It's pretty amazing and kind of hilarious in a scary but cool way.
Thoughts and things like this among many others is why I came up with my most recent personal quote: "I love you and I hate you because of that." Two of my other mottos have been "it is what it is" (freaking Trump stole it), and "it can only get worse." Those two mottos were things I've thought and felt since I was a young teenager. The I love you one is very new, although, I have felt that way as well for a long time. I don't think I had ever put it into words before.
I think I wanted to say more but I'm done for now. So, anyways, stop blaming God for bad things. You sound like an idiot.
Chat #8 which took place directly after our previous one. Lots more thoughts on depression, suicidal thoughts, being poor, abused as a child, politics, creativity, employment and more. Full details with time stamps in video description.
Chat #7 discussing my sister's amazing talents and website, networking, my passion for video games and Twitch streaming, gender (pt. 2) and lots more. Full details below.
- how much time we spend watching youtube content
- reading feedback from a new listener
- my sister's website
- trying to earn income from third-party websites
- "nothing new under the sun"
- my sister's editing skills and writing experience
- "professionalism" and prospective employers
- stand-up comedy and constructive criticism
- my sister's exceptional talents beyond writing
- wanting to offer supporters and friends "thank you" rewards
- "networking" and its awkwardness (37-ish mins in)
- my deep passion for video games and my sister reminding me that it wasn't specifically related to Twitch itself which helped the birth of my podcast The Grateful Gamer
- creating content for yourself compared to creating it for an audience
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At this point we could have ended the episode and just had a chill conversation of fun-ness but then my sister insisted on continuing. haha
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- vulnerability hangovers
- integrity, idealism and success
- gender discussion part 2 (if I remember right, this conversation may continue up to at least four different parts in different episodes. Episode 5 for part 1. In a future discussion I did learn to try and express myself differently.)
- physical appearance and "I don't see color"
- the different ages we became aware of racism
** Note: we have recorded many chats and so far have decided to upload one per week. So, all of these conversations are very old to us as we upload for now.
An awkward, hard, and raw honest first recording of one of the discussions me and my sister have had around gender. Future episodes continue our discussion on this specific topic.
Also discussed: childhood memories, sensitivity, femininity, forced diversity in television, dysphoria, addiction, rejection, historical heroes, bull**** education, racism, and live streaming mentality.
Note: two things had me a tiny bit scared uploading this video. One, I have zero intention of offending anybody over my thoughts about gender but I'm still learning how to express myself properly so I expect that I will. Two, I don't want to come off as ungrateful to my stream audiences cuz I am incredibly grateful. (Further discussion on this as well in future episodes.)
This discussion actually got me more enthusiastic about my gaming podcast. My sister pointing out my specific passion being video games, not Twitch itself. We also discuss this a little bit more in a future episode as well. - Germ
Hi, I forgot I made a real life blog as I don't tend to go out of my way to talk about it. Recently, me and my sister started a podcast. I've had many requests over the years to start a podcast and I struggled with it cuz I wasn't sure what to do and how to do it.
Me and my sister would normally chat two to four times in a year. This podcast gives us a reason to talk more often and it's great. This is unscripted, just chatting as we normally do.
The Poor Reichs episode 4 is up
In this podcast we discuss the following:
Cooking habits. fancy restaurants vs normal ones, brief discussion about handling monthly bills, and the main event: our brother's death and how we ended up in foster care.
Also included in-between, spiritual and religious views (a little more than previous episode), the differences between our relationships with our mom, face blindness, me being a nonconformist while my sister is a conformist, and punishments not matching the crime.
The next two episodes are even more intense and no it's not on purpose, this is just what we tend to talk about when we talk.
