Things I'm Grateful For

 I am grateful for the friends I've had in my life. The wonderful people who paid for my meals, movies, clubs, everything. So many people in my life have been generous. I'm grateful for that.

I'm grateful for having been able to play video games a lot. The experience of that for most of my life has been pretty cool and interesting.

I'm grateful for knowing "God" and I'd certainly still like to know more.

I'm grateful for having had discussions that opened my mind more and taught me how to express myself differently.

I'm grateful for my mom for being the very best mother she could be while also being totally screwed up. Her love was infinite and always obvious to me even when I was angry with her.

I'm grateful for my sister who has been my best friend my entire life even when we were angry with each other.

I'm grateful for my brother even though I barely know him. It's weird and wonderful to feel so much love for someone I barely had time with. 

I'm grateful to all the horrible people for making me hate this world so much. Without them, I wouldn't be as "strong" as I am. I'm grateful they make it so easy to not care about living.

Maybe I started being sarcastic. Maybe.

It's a beautiful world out there. Tainted by society. I'm grateful that I have seen, witnessed, and could recognize the beauty within all the horror.

I'm sorry it's not enough.

Dear no one #7

 It's one of those days again. Me and my sister are hoping to move soon. It's been pretty crazy. My sister happened to have some money saved up from unemployment and it ended up being enough to where we could think about moving again. This time we ended up getting a loan and putting an offer on a home that was accepted.

That was something we never expected to even be possible. We had heard of it before but it just didn't make any sense at all. We've barely been able to afford our current bills for so long. A lifetime really.

So things are kinda good. Kinda. Looking good I guess. I've wanted to get out of California since I was fourteen. It's a nice place and all. I mostly hate the weather but I've also just never felt comfortable here. Not ever. Well, that I can really remember anyways. I've had good friends and good times but I've never been happy.

I don't blame California for my lack of happiness. Living in the city is not something I enjoy. It's convenient but to me what seems at great cost: kindness, empathy, and a buncha words I imagine that I don't know. I've never felt at home here. Like I don't belong. I'd bet I'd feel that way anywhere on this planet.

Anyways, I didn't expect to write all that. Thought I'd just catch you up to a little bit of what's going on. Cuz while the paperwork seems to be going well and smooth with this home purchase, I just keep anticipating what's gonna fuck it all up.

Today is just another day where all I wanna do is die. I don't know how to make it stop. I never do. Every second keeps on passing until maybe a day or a week or a month goes by before there's some kind of random break. When the switch turns off and I can breathe and feel "normal" for a few seconds and have some decent thoughts that aren't armageddon. 

I cry a lot now. It's weird. Almost every single day. Today's been a bad one. It's been many months now where I cry at least once a day for two to five minutes. Tears pouring out heavy. No specific reason. Everything just sucks. This world sucks. I haven't cried as much as I have today though so far. It's weird.

I have a tiny bit of hope that if and once we get out of this nightmare living situation and live somewhere I'm not constantly worried about next month's bills that maybe I can finally relax and maybe possibly enjoy existing. Maybe.